Dear Plumber

If I may say this , this is probably you finally having recognized your true self , not only through self acceptance , I can tell that the inner of you is ready to genuinely bloom as well. I’m just glad that this , for you isn’t about the money, it never will be anyways. It probably has more to do with life , to experience and perhaps it’s teachings.

Lately a few weird but good things have been happening. You’ve been attracting a new sort of, kind of energy, filled different people. The kind it took awhile to notice but the kind you somehow have always been aware of, but was perhaps not ready yet to explore.

We guess, you can probably be called a Plumber now, your skills have improved, you like  the pipes and the pipes like you, also particularly your communication skills with other human beings isn’t as bad  as it was before, well maybe, plus I guess you don’t only try and just tolerate them , you are probably trying to  understand them a little better now. We have to admit dealing with other human beings was never your thing and if there was a way or options that you could survive without having to interact ,you wouldn’t and not because you think you are better off no, I guess this energy exchange while interacting has always been a big deal for you and its okay for you to want to protect it and not wanting to share it with just anyone, especially the awkwardly, unexplainable random individual has always been one of those situations you found difficult to deal with , so I guess it is still a work in progress and it is probably not as promising as it sounds but with all honestl one can say it is worth your while. You’ve met very unique male human beings and a few cool beings of your kind [women] , A connection such as  Julia’s [Body positive] totally caught you off guard. Instant chemistry , well or at least that’s how you felt and it is almost a little sad, and you are probably feeling sorry, because not everyone from the human race will get a taste of such a strong well gifted and beautiful divine, feminine energy. It’s almost priceless. Be glad that you did and  forever be grateful, yet you also still crave to meet her physically and perhaps while experiencing one of her many “magical cereimonial conventions”,  a genuine conversation can be held and just maybe only than, all  the thirst to your questions filled curiosity can be quenched. [LOL]

The other connection in particular is a reconnection. Well, you’re not one to recandle any dying threads of long ago, melted wax because if we have to admit not all reconnections end up all flourishing or exciting as before but this one came with a thrill, a good kind of thrill. The kind that’ll make you want to try and give it another shot, to what’s left of “life” and it’s other many companions such as “love” , “care” , “understanding”, “listening” “compromises” etc,ect. Well the good news is that, this time around, there’s more experience involved, sort to say the bachelor’s of “relations” have been aquired and will be used for the good only, this time around. This reconnection has the kind of imperfections and flaws that are terrifyingly beautiful, let’s not even start with how the attitude on them is insanely sexy and attractive and has unconsciously managed to capture almost all of you, them pure heart and soul that humbly only demands for the same emotions it pours out and their approach alone towards life, has not only caught some of your attention but there’s a certain interesting uniqueness of it that you’re fond of. It is almost as interesting as your own ways towards it [Iife], theirs are just a little more serious of course and within observation there is a very opinionated character of them, which you immediately recognised and could relate to yet which you obviously also strongly respects and understand.

You literally think it is cool, the fact that they see yellow, when you see black When they say no, you whished they’d just agree or when they’d use phrases such as “I don’t know” when the both of you know they do know. One can tell that it fascinates you, with how two people with almost the “same” drive of force towards life and yet can totally be so different from the other. Most of the time this reconnection can be loud and other times, it worries you because it can awkwardly also get quiet. You’re still getting it used to the “grumpy” mornings but at least your sleeps at night are more peaceful now.

Dear plumber , child always remember to embrace this moments and don’t you ever forget the beauty that will alway lies in the struggles, give yourself more credit and celebrate you little achievements more often and thus also do not forget to give your thanks and gratitude. Always. Stay awaken for you are chosen and prepare to break the cycle of generational curses.

Yours sincerely

The Plumber

Dear : Kuku

It took a while to get here and I probably know the reason why, we both probably do. Accepting and letting go is so hard I just don’t think it’s ever going to happen for any of us. At least not for me. I just never thought it would be like this you know, whereby I’d write for you and you’d be gone.

Lately everything has been feeling so numb. No one really dares to mention your name and who can blame us. Everyone is still hurt, I can tell. There’s been lot of avoiding each other lately. I mostly stay locked up in my room, writing. Mother is always on her phone or watching TV. She’s been sleeping early lately whenever she’s around, seeing her like quite sad . I’m sure she misses you just as much but I guess she’s trying to keep it together for us. Kombonde has been staying home more often now, his always listening to the radio in his room, singing along to song lyrics that I’m almost sure are all wrong but who has the energy to tell him that plus I’m tired of fighting with him over basically nothing so I just let him be plus it wouldn’t be the same, you not here to play “referee”. Atleast we won’t be hearing the two of you “arguing” over us anymore, you and mother are interesting to watch. It’s hilarious. Yet i’d give anything just to hear your voice once more. Girl, the nights are the worse, all the countless sleepless nights, damn like the crying myself to sleep isn’t’t enough. Waking up in the mornings making my way to the bathroom is suffocating, I can’t even look at the door that was of your room .it’s too depressing. In world with billions of people your absence has left me lonely. It’s been cold too. Yet i’m not angry that you left, it would be selfish but it still would’ve been nice to have known that you leaving.

It would’ve been nice to have known that, that day was actually the last day that you’d be making me laugh, that it would be last day I’d hear you say my name, if I knew that you having gone to bed to that night would be forever and never ever to see or hear you again and had I known, I probably would’ve stayed up all night with you until your last breathe. I remember that Friday morning I saw something in your eyes that day and you knew that I saw it because you didn’t really look me into my eyes that day, probably not get me worried . I will never forget it and I remember it like it was yesterday. You were extremely excited, you cooked for the dogs that day, prepared one of your roosters [chickens] for us and later that night you gave everyone a piece from the chicken you have prepared and cooked earlier on.I took it even though I don’t eat them chickens from home I ate it that day. It is almost as if you were preparing yourself for the next journey that’s to come and and saying goodbye to the one you have lived and leaving behind. You’ve always been smart woman so you made sure we were comfortable enough not to have noticed anything out of the ordinary.

and like a thief at night he came and took you away and that will forever hurt

Dear Kuku this world will never understand what a jewel we’ve had and lost. Unlike me you were a believer and I just hope it wasn’t all in vain. You have raised us until so far and we’ll forever be in debt with you and even if we will never completely be alright we’ll be okay and that’s the only reason I think you left us anyway. I am sorry for not having been the granddaughter that you would’ve wanted and you loving me anyway. It was Sadnesses I saw that day and you hid but you were also excited probably to go “home” and rest . Who could blame you, you ran nine decades straight and still looked so solid. My black African Queen, find your peace. And be free forever.

P.S

Thank you for being apart of me Kuku

I love you.

And dearly miss you

Sincerley Your granddaughter The plumber

Dear : 2019

I would be lying if I told you I knew where’d to have started with you but I also had not known that it shall end at this level of so much growth in abundance within me and also with a more filtered soul through the pureness of life and it’s actual true meaning of what it not only looks like but also how it feels like to be aligned with oneself. Only now I can tell and shamelessly admit that I lacked something at some point and kept filling the empty spaces with just almost anything that would do for that time regardless of the damage it did.

It took a while to understand what was happening but there must’ve also been an awful much of walking in the darkness to not being able to have seen all the wonderful and soulful energies that revolved me and they were filled with all the kindness, all the love, all the hate, all the joy, all the hurt, all the laughter, all the tears, all the courage, all the fear, all the scars and most importantly all the healing. It is a mess yes but it is mine and for first time it has nothing to do with anything and anyone.

One thing I can tell is that growth, especially from within will make sure that before you can ever dash or share yourself for another is that you are loved, you are taken care of, you are allowed to feel emotions and that you are understood by yourself before others can and it somehow makes you whole or your complete self without the insecurities, doubts or anxieties of any sort because now I know that it’s okay not to be okay or to talk when you feel a certain way and most importantly that you don’t have to fight for anything or anyone except for yourself first because what’s rightfully within your path or apart of your journey isn’t something that you should fight for to an extent whereby you loose yourself.

Dear 2019 One thing I’m taking with me for sure is to “breathe” and I will never forget that but that was for survival yet this new spirit deep within cannot catter for that anymore, it peeks beyond what the naked eye can see, it craves for a different kind of taste that this ordinary life can never offer. It seeks for a world that it belong to and can freely stumble upon and just LIVE.

Your Friend

Andjene Jnr

Dear Younger Me

There was this “thing” that was within you. And I tell you It was strong yet you couldn’t say what “It” was. Whether it was the pureness of ugliness that was within you or simply just resentment. You nurtured “It”, You fed “It” You were patient to “It”, knowing nothing good but evil came from “It”. “It” was not beautiful. “It” was dark, “It” was inconsiderate, “It” was selfish, “It” was immature, “It” was careless”, “It ” was greedy, “It” was dangerous, “It” was not real, ” It” was unforgiving, “It” was unfair, “It” destroyed, “It” betrayed”, “It” was disrespectful, “It” scared hearts and you were “It”.

Today you do not recognize “It”.
Where “It” is you are not, you no longer entertain “It”.

You sense “it”, You walk.

Yours sincerely

Magano

Dear Lehas

At first I did not know what to make of this [opportunity], I did not think of it for what a [big deal] it was all I knew was the day I met you all, was that I was in the right place at the right time.

I can not even begin to thank you all for how grateful I am for having not only met you but for also having you all part of this journey of my life and of course being the only female in a very male dominant trade hasn’t been a very easy situation for the fact that I had to “prove” myself all the time but moving with you all the and being around you all has made me acknowledge my self worth and my capabilities.
I now know that there’s nothing impossible if you have the right mind with the right intensions, the right attitude and the right people by your side. Weall had our indifferences but I wouldn’t trade one of you for anything in these world.

Theo, Leonard, Shoya and Racky you guys are all like the older brother I never relate to my biological brothers and dear Mr Leevi you are like the Dad I never had. You are all so humble and it has humbled me as well yet coming from a very hard-working line of women and seeing man like you so determined with so much drive to accomplish and to achieve made me wonder why we [women] all couldn’t just be like that [determined] and all power driven to succeed in achieving, why we [women] don’t feel the need to do hardwork to earn a living and be financially independent and having it recognized as a women working hard to achieve whatsoever she desires, like every other hardworking being.

And for once just for it to have nothing to do with it being “male dominant” or for it to be labeled as a “mans job” but just a women working as equally hard and determined to accomplish and achieve.
I remember walking in to there with nothing but just a desire to learn and gain expierence and today I am proudly walking out with all the experience yet I believe I still have much to learn so I’m also walking out with my head held high, with courage, an addition of more knowledge, better communication, with a clearer vision and understanding of what I want to become and to achieve. In your presence not only have I learned so much that the bar of my thurst and hunger for knowledge to not only succeed but to also motivate not only young girls and women but also just none “none believers”. People that may have lost all hope and given up, that everything that may seem blick and almost impossible is possible regardless of whatsoever, now that bar has been set high to not only improve myself but also the people around me. I remember the “Boss man” saying “Guys Neelu has been working very hard” and sometimes that’s all a person needs to hear the small recognition of effort havethat you put in ,that alone will jump start all of your stored faith and purpose for life. So I have decided that from now onwards and further I am not stopping for anything and I am not quitting for anyone until I reach my “highers ground” and neither should you

Dear Lehas and not to forget Mr Frank, thank you for always sharing your life experiences and knowledge with us, I personally am honored to have had such an opportunity and had it not been for you all only God knows what could’ve been so thank you for teaching me the real meaning of gratitude, with me returning to VTC I cannot be thankful enough to all of you for having shaped me into the person I have become.

Yours Sincerely

Neelu, Your Junior Plumber

Dear 2011

I don’t fall for looks but I did with you. I fell for your big eyes under those spec’s you wear each day and your laughing smile with your lovely big cheeks  that makes your face glow and for your very visible African round nose and your soft hands and gentle touch and the way your hair would be a mess and you not wanting me to see that. But also I fell for your voice for how squaeky it gets when you trying not to be “uncool”  and the way you talk [ say] my name [magano] and how sexy you sound every time you say to me ” I need you to understand that” and the way you remind me how time is a “serious” factor for you and how very “white” it makes you seem and the way you comfortabily curs around me when you’re annoyed or mad at some random person [not me] and the way how you akwardly start singing and sounding almost like a pop star [Beyonce] and the way you walk [a little clumsy] and the way you laugh.

Dear 2011 I fell for your looks. But I also fell for you. 

Your Sincerely

The love of your life

AndjeneJnr

Dear Younger Me

Growing up as a child and this very moment in which im writing you this letter, older you would be hard on you but thats not what is going to happen today. Today older you is going to appreciate you.

Your nonresistant character is probably what scared me the most , it feared not this world or any other for that matter because in realty deep in your soul you knew there is nothing to resist.

You had free will and believed in the “power” of it so as a child you couldn’t understand why you couldn’t just be yourself but you did it anyway, thank you for that because that alone shaped “us.”

It’s quite ironic how you somehow knew that growing up as a child there was a third person that was sort of guiding you somewhere in the back of your head which was probably just your subconscious mind that you were aware of at that very young age yet you could not necessarily make out what it was because you were only a child and children are not expected to know nothing of such proportion yet it truly is something that you should’ve been proud of because today 4 out 5 people today have no idea what the “subconscious” mind is and how powerful it can be if used correctly so you beated yourself up for that because you did not understand the power that you had at that point and all you wanted and wished for was to be a “normal” child yet you were “special”.I still can not believe that you wanted to be a rock when you were a crystal.

Dear younger me not feeling good enough should be resistant though for it places you in a “state” of torment and just like the old saying goes – Nothing leaves you with an on looker. You knew who you were before the world even knew and that you were afraid of the greatness within you, but now we know that with strong desire comes great force so it needs to be directed into the right channels at all cost, forgive me for ever having doubted you and I must admit that I would’ve been jelouse have you not been part of me.

P S

I promise to take care us now

Yours sincerely

Older You

Dear Fear

I would be lieing if I said that you do not awaken the depht of worries within me because you do, you make the soul of my flesh tremble as it slowly eats away the courage and strength within the marrow of my bones and just the thought of you get my wickedness paranoid.

Cowardly you make me look and defenseless i stand, afraid that nothing shall prosper and nothing but shame and disgrace will come to haunt me yet there is nothing like you that teaches discipline, commitment, wisdom and humility. At times you make me swallow my pride and humble my heart, it is almost like you detest wrong doings but also it is as if you enjoy to awaken the monsters in my head, slowly like a posinous snake you manipulate the way of thinking and lower the energies of my spirit by creating illusions of my reality and blameless like a owl in the wilderness you keep me wide awake in the deepest disparities of the night.

dear fear the truth is that I fear you yet bravely admit to it without fearing it.

Your friend

AndjeneJnr

Dear Mom & Dad

For there’s never really been a time in our lives whereby I remember having spoken to the both of you at the same time, infact if there was ever even a time in our lives where we were together, I wouldn’t remember. I’m assuming that than I must’ve been only a child inocently sucking on mother’s chest to satisfy my hunger and had no idea for who and what awaited me.

Today here I am standing 6 foot 5 having almost nothing near to a memory to remember of mom, nor a memory of you dad and neither a memory me, basically there is no memory of “us” ever being together yet ironically growing up has been a very cold journey for me that was filled with many questionable and emotional paths which of course had unanswered parts of my life and that till to this day a very conscious part of my mind is still aware of it.

I’ve also always known that I was different, I could tell my way of reasoning and understanding was different, I believed differently and even the world in my eyes looked different. My entire life has been nothing other than me always compared to anything but different. For a minute there I felt the need to hide from the world but I realised that even when I tried to, I somehow always stood out and perhaps having grown up in an environment [the ghetto] with very little literate people and it having been more of a stereotype kind of surrounding contributed to me shying the inner me away from the eyes of the world which was if not the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I felt that no one could know who I am until I myself knew because honestly all I have ever known was that I was the “other child” or at least that’s how it felt. I mean if we look at it, Mom your two sons had the same father and Dad you were married and had a bunch of other children from the same women or at least most of them were from the women you married and I ask not to be misunderstood because mother, from a far your unconditional motherly love sheltered me just as the the tone of your voice guided me and Dad, well a first and a last name is basically all I can say I knew about you and not a single thing further nothing but a stranger you were to me. Yet silently you were my hero dad. At your memorial service I still recall how they boasted about your riffling skills and how professionally and accurately you would set trap for the enemy while in exile fighting for freedom. The freedom that I have today, whereby I can freely move around and not be stopped by a foreign man in the land of my forefathers just to be questioned because of the colour of my skin or the texture of my hair, well because of you dad I have a place to peacefully rest and to call home. I admit that I am honored to have been a daughter of a freedom fighter, I also appreciate the stories told about you because mother doesn’t really say much when I ask about you and at times I curiously wonder what you were like yet also the little they said about you I truly treasure it for that is it, that is all there will ever be the rest I suppose you took it all with you to the grave . I was angry when you left and when God took you I was even more angrier at him , it felt already that you did not exist and now you were really gone. I thought of it as an unfair situation and If God didn’t so badly want you to be part of my life he might as well not even have introduced you to me , that it would have spared me from all the hurt and confusion but he quickly humbled and I learned that God makes no mistake.

I once heard that when I was younger the two of you had a terrible argument about who’s last name I shall take. I guess we now we know who won.

It felt great, I admit at a point I just didn’t feel like the “other child”. I’ve also realized that the truth is that there was really nothing to forgive. I am no longer angry at all the unexplainable things I had in my life, I now understand that there were decisions made and maybe they were not the very best decisions made but such is life. Dad I understand that you had to take care of your family, your real family and that you had to be a husband to your wife, we’ll looking at me I think I’ve done a good job with being just the “other child” it is just a little sad that apart from Mother, you’ll will never really know who I am because not only am I fascinated by guns and bullets which I probably got from you Dad apparently I also write now or at least I try to plus guess what I’m probably going to the be if not the “highest qualified female plumber” on both sides of the family. I also heard about your sense of humour dad, mom has one to but I think I am funnier than the both of you.

“Dear Mom and Dad” this is me, “your other child” I couldn’t have asked for better parents, well Mom I know I annoy the hell out of you every single day of our lives I mean you my leading lady and my pillar and Dad you “okay”, I finally got my own “guardian angel” would you look at that, either way the both of you did what you could and I appreciate it plus I never once really felt left out as much, Mother made sure of that and maybe someday if I make it to the “light at the end of the tunnel” maybe than you can tell me what you are like Dad, you just make sure you save the kid a spot.

P.S

Sincerely

Your other child

Dear 2011

9 June 2019

It seems that winter has slowly but surely been creeping up on us and today seem more chillier than usual. Its been hours that I’ve been laying in bed yet my feet still felt cold as ice, it probably explains why I was still awake at this hour of midnight. The television has been on but I had other things on my mind, I couldn’t stop thinking of you and this letter that you’d like me to write for you which I eventually had already plan to write. It is apparently what I do now whenever I feel some type of way.

If someone had said to me that today would be exactly 3 months and 9 days that we would have been talking again, I would’ve told them to go away and get lost. I must also admit that this has also been the most progressive 3 months and 9 days of my life after a very long time. For the 5 past years, my life has been bittersweet but I must say that I am proud to admit that I have grown not only physically but emotionally to and I think it would be save to say that I somehow have also matured in a way.Im sure you’ve picked up that I talk a little more than usual now and im nicer, have we met like this back than, today we would probably be having a different conversation from what we usually have and I have a feeling that it will always be part of us somehow. What happened between us was sad and I take full responsibility for how I behaved. It was unfairly irresponsible and totally disrespectful towards you.You are a wonderful women. Your irresistible sense of humor and level of sarcasm is probably what caught my attention the most, just that alone i find very attractive. You’re smart and well organized, well you sometimes can be very difficult and feisty to deal with but its nothing i cant handle, I mean, I have been doing okay right?. I have said this to you before, I think of you as something very “solid” and I like that, you are a beautiful young powerful independed black women which should probably be “scary” but I find it cute and I can just about go on and on about how amazing of a being you are yet I have other stuff to work on. I know that you’ve mentioned that I use the word “sorry” a lot but If there’s anything that I truly am sorry for would be that and just for every wrong I’ve ever done to you, it was stupid, I was stupid. You didn’t have to go through all of that bullshit you deserved better and I believe I could’ve been better. I guess I allowed all the unnecessary attention get to me, still i just should’ve known better , it cost me dearly though. It cost me you.

I remember it like it was yesterday day on the 11 of November 2012 exactly right into the middle of spring it was an early morning when the plane finally landed and as I got off i eagerly switched on that small black Nokia that i had back than and the first message that I received was yours, you were leaving and it wasn’t really clear why you were leaving but you just were. There and than something within me shifted, it was almost as if I could feel my heart skipping beats i mean it seemed that now everything has stopped at this very busy airport and literally everything for me than stood still. Im sure the airport was busy and loud, the noise from the airplanes taking off and landing, the flight intercom announcements going off and on and I mean the people around me obviously must have been talking or just something yet here I blankly stood holding this little black device in my hand and I was hearing nothing, not a single thing, I could officially have been declared deaf due to the confusion from the shit [my thoughts] that was going through my head. I remember looking up and I saw her awaited for me by the school bus, this women seemed to have been very happy to have seen me, she looked familiar and as I got closer it was mother of course it had to be her and of course I pretended to be okay, it must’ve been the performance of my life because within i was suffocating they say “it doesn’t take much but just one look for your entire world to turn to black and white” and I don’t know who “they” are but I guess this is what was happening with me at that time and if this is what a nightmare looked like than I finally understood why we looked so terrified after waking up from a bad dream and that’s all I wished this was, just a bad dream. I remember I would literally close my eyes just to open them hoping that all would well but we sure all damn knew that, that was far from happening.A few hours later the drive from the airport to the school now felt like days, all I wanted was to get away, where to exactly didn’t matter anymore. Everything felt different and foreign, well honestly I had no idea how I felt, running away from my emotions was probably what I felt like doing though. The next day early in the morning with the little strength i had thought I had, i woke up but had no appetite nor had I interest in having any interaction with anyone plus home felt suffocating, i needed to go away and leave this place. I remember arranging my stuff and packing some clothes. I called mother and told her that i was going down south and she asked what the rush was be it that i just got home. I remember there being a disagreement of some sort about it. I was not going to explain it to her that someone that was probably thee only person that was dear to me and very important has left and was probably never to return ever again, there was just no way that I was going to tell her that her little girl is going through her first heartbreak ” which it probably was, just a heartbreak . I took the first hike I got and by the next day I was down south alongside the orange river,It was freezing. I felt the cold breeze of wind blowing over my ears and the water in the river formed wave like things. I remember removing my socks because they got wet, it was quiet and very lonely but not as suffocating as the airport or back home . I sat on a rock along side the river staring at nothing really. I felt like dieing. It was terrible, feelings of confusion, anger and guilt was flowing throughout my entire body. I remember the nights whereby I cried myself to sleep and there was a loss of appetite, I even lost weight at some point if i clearly remember. Everything was a mess, I was a mess yet I was dealing with my own shit and on the other I was also dealing with this women and honestly at this point I didn’t even care if i was being pushed around or whatsoever. I was too torn and broken to have realized that this women have probably been abusing me for the Lord knows how long plus I honestly just probably didn’t have the strength to deal with it as well. I needed to go away and this place was the only place i knew or had or just something. I guess I couldn’t survive her because I left after a month and came back home to Windhoek still broken but a little bit better and I guess I wasn’t the only one that was going through a rough point in life at that time and well such is life.Remember the guy that said that “its better to have loved and lost” I still want to meet that guy and punch him, but he somehow was right. I loved you and lost you at some point which we will both agree not to let it happen again , well i still have to talk to you about it and im sure just a few things need to be said since we talking now and communication is very important for you and for me as well of course I mean I admit I suck at it but for you im willing to adjust these small things. Dear 2011 Im sure we can agree that there’s nothing like it, what we had or shared wasn’t a Romeo and Juliet thing but it was strong it could’ve been a little better but it wasn’t also undeniable. You were my first love which is incomparable to anything, it was different and believe it or not it was at first sight, the day I met you right there and than I was certain it was you that I want to spend my entire life with, It sounds insane I know but I fell in love and regardsless of life and what happened after I always loved and perhaps always will.Yours trulyMagano